i realized that this is the first time in my life i have been all by myself in a new place..
and now comes this realization....instigated in part by your latest blog, ambika....http://meanderingchaos.rediffblogs.com/
iam beginning to realize that my current avatar as a sentimental fool leads to nothing but emotional, hypersensitive overcontemplatation and effectively, pseudo intellectual drivel.
and now i have started to look for inspiration elsewhere...
anyone who's made it past my age uninstitutionalized is a good place for me to start...
and i realize that in the end all i want is the austerity to face life with a purpose..
and the purpose being to do something, anything..whatever the fuck...
but to DO more and think less...
who said age adds maturity?
all i have become is this whiny, self-obsessed piece of crap that i personally wouldnt stand to be around.
this cold horrible feeling of being constantly the victim of a world that never understands....
the nice warmth of depression in the headphones as i float through the crowd.
only to repeat.
pointlessly trying to build a wall and hopelessly stumbling, tripping over shoelaces.
paranoid as heck.
i declare...i accept...i confess...i have made myself the king of the fucking universe.
one thats too afraid to sit on the throne yet too egoistic to let go.
what started as an attempt to purge myself of me....has ended in yet more confusion.
Posted at 10:21 pm by chaosmirror
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seriously, people are strange
that includes me.
at the end of a 10 hour workday that was december 26th..iam left with little to say.
iam seriously beginning to wonder....how much of inward thought is enough to make you say....okay...enough...now shut up..
it is so amazing that we being the forever bent worshippers of our own egos have such low thresholds to trip across into insanity..
and all these emotions we get caught up in...as principal culprits or not..seem to be the only things driving us...never letting us go...even when we realize and really really believe that there is more to life than this everyday pettiness...
its amazing that the brain programs us to forget reality and eventuality and coast along, forever distracted.....as long as we function on some level that doesnt hold back civilization..
i will argue with anyone about this point....we are forever living lives that are ghosts of our growing pains...and our parents did the same and theirs did the same..
is this rational? is it not better on paper to declare independence from all the cliched miseries that we so greedily eat up?
happiness is surely that distraction that keeps us afloat so that we might find an answer someday..
thank heavens for that..
p.s: memory loss is under-rated.
Posted at 05:36 pm by chaosmirror
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you start feeling weird when it first starts to happen
that thing called an epiphany
i am fairly sure that someone with stake in the liquor business coined that term just so people would drink
so people have something to talk about..
starts like..
"so i was out this other night..and i had this epiphany man..it all started making sense..." and so on
so i drink to have epiphanies(is that right in plural?) now.
for anyone who cares to listen
havent preyed on innocent passersby yet..
my little audience still puts up with my epiphanies
with that floydian spaced out feeling
and with that cigarette,cigarette burning bright
i will have an epiphany
just ask me
feel free
i will certainly exercise my freedom
allow me
please
let my epiphany last until the musio is switched off and i go to sleep
silence is a known killer of epiphanies
keep talking back to me
nod,atleast
maybe i save you..
but you sure save me..
and i will save you a drink the next time around.
Posted at 09:52 pm by chaosmirror
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there are times in life
when imagination leaves you
and there is no beauty in anything
times when you realize
that there is nothing thats sacred anymore
and why should there be?
times when you realize that you dont think when you speak
and even less when you write..
so i try not to look at the lines above lest i should exercise my predisposition to delete them
there are times when you realize that the big picture is not yours for mending
that the big picture, that enormous backdrop that is the universe, will remain itself
noble gases and carbon compounds
while you grapple with everything
while you deify pettiness
where all the pettiness you can muster to put on a pedestal is all that drives you
in your own little world
so little it cant even be a world
times where you realize that all that time spent in conversations trying to prove a point
are worthless...and you realize that you are me and we are everyone else..
ants
some more cocksure than others
some more emotive than others..
some more sensitive than others...
some more vindictive that others...
and maybe some more petty than others...
and in all the magnanimity that megalomania allows..
some more alive than others..
all of this is abstract..and all of this is probably inane..
for if you stop dreaming you die..
these dreams of everlasting bliss
are just dreams
there is this body that needs to be fed..
so it can muster the strength to just exist..
so that maybe someday it can dream..
maybe this is purgatory after all..
Posted at 02:38 pm by chaosmirror
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i don't know what is going on with me these days
there is this vague disinterest in every single thing
all philosophies seem redundant
even my own many philosophies, those that i dish out to anyone who cares to ask
a loss of interest
iam not disinterested
just not interested, as strange as that sounds
i've tried to wonder if this is a result of my religion, my upbringing, my social life,
or maybe just something superficial that can be fixed by a hair transplant lol
it isnt
iam now officially way beyond disinterested
and i seem to be speaking like a madman these days
saying whatever i wish
oh i just pulled the headphones off
the phones on the t.v.
no philosophy helps
and oh prozac, why do i still evade you?
and oh eventuality(god bless euphemisms), why do i still fear you?
and oh music, why do i crave you when there is silence, and why do i crave silence when i have you
iam not a martyr,never want to be one..
this is a strange feeling still..
i dont know what is wrong
'living is easy with eyes closed'-the beatles
Posted at 09:12 pm by chaosmirror
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heres news i can use
iam writing after ages to see if it indeed mollifies...
looks like it probably will if one spoke the truth
fat chance of that happening
anyway,srikanth,iam writing this to you
so you can read this again and over and again and revel in the thought that you actually killed 15 minutes trying to touch profoundness..its all about participation..
even flourescent yellow is "profound"
i have passed that phase where there is a horrible need to tell
from now on, its only about swallowing and swallowing well
from now on, its about watching my
blood sugar..
not smoking
exercising
being grown up..
trying,atleast..
no more knots in the stomach and lumps in the throat..
iam an organic machine..
which is what i was meant to be
am not letting anyone say anything otherwise..
thanks, though..
for trying.
i wish i came up with
"my apologies for the melodrama"
but i didnt...
yet,iam apologetic..
really.
Posted at 07:09 pm by chaosmirror
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havent felt like writing in ages...
things have happened...
just came back from california from a..um...conference
hehe
yesh
i got taken to calif by me prof for a presentation and stuff
was surprising and also niceish
stayed at a super hep resort
marriott!
me who hasnt been beyond tea shops and roadside chinese shops in madras..
nah
i dont fit in at all at a marriott
although i have been known to be very stiff upper lippy if the need arises
speaking of which
california is a million times better than louisiana
not to mean louisiana is good in the first place..
i mean....people in california have seen brown skin a lot
hence no real animosity
speaking of animosity
animosity has increased a LOT in the last year towards desis in louisiana
i mean, i see a lot of middle fingers, and get eyeballed at lot etc etc
of course, there are the occasional comments
and waitresses with expressions that warrant haemorroid cream when they see us
us meaning me and my roomies..
yes our little desi ghetto still lives
its a strange strange time
i also realize iam writing with the delivery and concept of a dead radish
the radish died when you plucked it out
i never liked radishes anyway
who cares if tomatoes are not good for them kidneys huh
they said the same thing of cigarettes and what do all of those banner wavers have to say now?
Posted at 02:50 pm by chaosmirror
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